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Monday, May 7th, 2001
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5:18 pm
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 Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.
Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.
Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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1:05 pm
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Fiona Apple - Tidal
DMB - Under the Table and Dreaming
Jacques Loussier - The Bach Book
Tori Amos - The Choirgirl Hotel
Soundtrack to Now and Then
Paul Simon - You're the One
Miles Davis - A Kind of Blue
The Beatles - Rubber Soul
Soundtrack to Life is Beautiful
Soundtrack to the motion picture film West Side Story
Soundtrack to Almost Famous
Jewel - Pieces of You
Joni Mitchell - Hits
Joni Mitchell - Hejira
Joni Mitchell - Miles of Aisles
Bob Dylan - The Band
Ani Difranco - To the Teeth</p>I have officially lost these CDs. (But I have successfully paid in full for them all). If anyone has a CD burner and/or some spare time, I'd be happy to pay for postage and blank CDs and your trouble - we'll talk.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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11:56 am
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Suddenly I'm a bad person to everyone.</p> What should I say to you? Did you mean to forget me? Or should I care? I've come back from my A.P. English exam, which marks the end of my serious study in the humanities for my entire high school career. I have a strange taste in my mouth. I'm going to stick my head out the window and wait for butterflies to land on my nose. I will be back in an hour.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 5th, 2001
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9:20 am
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It's been a long, lonely 24 hours. My mother and I aren't talking (she has reluctantly apologized, but it's not enough) so I went out last night to the diner, to the Barnes & Noble, to the beach, the regular places. Bumped into some people, talked with some people, drove around some more. I went to my dad's house and went to sleep early(-ish for a Friday night). Woke up this morning hearing my stepmother yell at my father downstairs. Both my siblings were at sleepovers and I left my journal at my mom's.</p> I feel so trapped in here. It's been a long, lonely 24 hours and I don't even have ICQ at my dad's. I want my brother to come home and tell his funny stories and play cards. I want my stepmom to take her anger out on someone other than me. I want to know that I'm not alone.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 4th, 2001
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7:27 pm
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hey, so how do I change the font on this here thing? I'm getting tired of the big, round, confidentness of this verdana size 2. and it is only a matter of time before I change the colors... but that will come later.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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6:38 pm
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4:46 pm
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This is the angriest I have been in a while.</p> Just dealing with my mother making phone calls behind my back after I specifically told her NOT to; and thus thrusting me in the most awkward, embarrassing, tear-inducing pit you could ever think of. She did this now. She did this with my college applications. She has intentionally and deliberately gone against my will and then claims that it was in my best interest. Ha - but you forget, now, that I am ME. I am the person in this situation, not you. I know what to say. I do not need a mother right now.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
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8:28 pm
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She thinks I'm cool. God - now I have to live up to it __ !
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(comment on this)
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7:36 pm
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I am a hypocrite. I hate the cold but I long for the winter. I hate the heat but I hate air conditioning. I despise artificial light but cannot go outside without fear of burning my skin. </p> My drawing teacher is going to teach us how to bind our own books. We will make an art book from scratch. Well, most people aren't making their own paper but I feel compelled to. I want this to be 100% ME. I want to breathe, live and feel this piece. So everyone was talking today. Mariangela has visited and pondered and finally chosen Harvard (I don't blame her) and Thomas flipped a coin and chose Brown. I don't get him sometimes. Now these next two weeks must come and go quickly, swiftly! There are two weeks until we are free like loose chickens.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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5:36 pm
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The heat makes me dreary and tired. I couldn't spend any more time in the newspaper room, with the noisy fan and lack of curtains. All of a sudden whenever I stop at a red light I get distracted and don't notice when it turns green. I miss Kimberly. I miss Jessica. My brother put a Gladiator desktop on the computer and I keep on wanting to check if there are any grains of sand in my fingernails.</p> Any temperature above 85 F and I might spontaneously combust. I'm a scarf girl and there is no occasion during the heat waves of May.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
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6:01 pm
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| Monday, April 30th, 2001
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6:09 pm
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It's MONDAY. And I'm still bloody tired. Although I had a peaceful alone moment today. After school was well over, I layed down on the courtyard grass and just sprawled out my arms and legs and watched the sky. And Violet saw me from the newspaper window and came out and made me a dandelion chain to wear on my wrist. It was a therapeutic experience.</p> Now I'm sipping my pink lemonade and worrying about tomorrow but relaxing about today. I hate English with a passion, and tomorrow we will have two and a half full hours' worth of that class. Not something to look forward to, particularly when your teacher is on a permanent meanie streak before the AP exam week.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2001
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10:18 pm
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Gah! I'm giddy. I have a new best friend!</p> OK, compare this entry with my last one. Now I can go to bed with a grin on my face. And whenever you have any notion that your mp3 stash is growing old and moldy, then DON'T ask Amanda for recommendations. She's all mine.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:41 pm
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I've come back from the worst rehearsal you could ever imagine. I've tried blocking it out of my head. It won't work. I don't want to play viola ever again.
Nevermind that it takes me an hour and a half to get there. Nevermind that it lasts four hours. Nevermind that I had blisters on my feet while walking down Central Park West in my brother's sneakers. Nevermind that there were no music stands left in the building. There were many, many worse things. Nevermind.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 28th, 2001
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7:33 pm
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I'm babysitting right now at an all-American home; colonial style on a private cul-de-sac road with a strong, sensible husband and a charismatic, kind wife. The children are athletic, beautiful, and playfully competitive. There is a swing set and a soccer ball in the yard.</p> Mind you, I am babysitting responsibly as all of them are within my eyesight/audio range. I have decided that I do not want to live like this. I do understand that any lifestyle brings about the subtle unique joys found everywhere, but I'd hate to become a stereotype ... Just as much as I'd hate to be blatantly unusual like my aunt who paints her fingernails blue.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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12:37 pm
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I saw Il Postino with Adam last night. All of a sudden, movies are really getting to me. I'm not the headstrong, aloof girl I thought I was. But I seem only to cry while watching foreign movies. Postino, Cinema Paradiso, La Vita ? Bella and a few some others leave me sniffling, maybe because I'm not as familiar with foreign actors and their portrayals then seem more realistic. Whenever I recognize an actor, it seems, the film isn't genuine.
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(comment on this)
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10:44 am
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My joints are stiff and sore. I am suspecting that this will be the last cold-ish weekend of the season. I took down my bicycle from the rafts in the garage and rode around the block. At one corner there was a blooming tree and when the breeze shifted through, petals fluttered down. I don't want summer to come.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 27th, 2001
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7:40 pm
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'Twas a sunny fun day although right now I cannot turn my head more than 15 degrees to the right. I'm really quite proud of myself as I overcame my fears and rode on all of the rides instead of standing by the gate waiting for my friends with flushed faces rush down the stairs from the lift. Rollercoasters have the spinning, flying appeal that you just can't get anywhere else. It was [superficially?] good for my soul.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 26th, 2001
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6:42 pm
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Tomorrow I'm going on a "physics field trip." To an amusement park. We are "taking data" and "analyzing the Newton's laws." This is all too funny. But skipping school to go on rollercoasters with virtually no lines and wonderful weather? Count me in.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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6:37 pm
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So at the newspaper layout session today, I layed out and edited every single goddamn news article, placed the pictures and wrote all the captions. And the sports and features sections aren't even halfway done. Rexford is a fool! At home I did a little dance for my dislike for the Rexinator. He thinks I am incompetent. Idiot. again.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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clandestine's journal
